They say technology is the simpletons tipple of choice...
...and Martin Moone was about to get tech tipsy for the first time.
to journey into, the Megaworld.
The most advanced video game system in the universe.
Mega Drive!
That, is the single greatest thing my little eyes have ever witnessed.
You're always saying that.
That, is the single greatest thing my little eyes have ever witnessed.
Spanner.
Imagine what it could do if we didn't live in a bungalow.
I meant it then, and I mean it now.
I got to get me one of those magic machines.
- Good morning my darling mother. - Not a chance.
- Hey there handsome man. - How much is it?
Can you put a price on the happiness of your only son?
Four pounds? Is it more than four pounds?
Dad, everyone is going to get one.
That's what they said about hovercrafts and star pants,
and where are they now? Mark my words Martin...
this whole computer thing is just a fad.
- Star pants? - Look,
When I was young, I was happy to play with a wheel and a stick.
That was only exciting because they had just invented the wheel.
For the record, I would never ridicule your silly old stories.
Look Martin, we just can't afford any new spangled stuff at the moment.
Things are a bit slow at work and,
- Ahh jezus, now me scrambled eggs are burnt! - I told you to use the microwave.
Microwaves! Meka Drives! Who are we?
The Moones or the bloody Jetsons?
Now that, is the single greatest thing you little eyes have ever witnessed.
♪ Dancing at the disco, bumper to bumper
♪ Wait a minute, where's me jumper?
♪ Where's me jumper?
Oh, no ♪
Oh Balls!
How many times? You can't beat an imaginary Conker buddy.
We'll see about that.
Spanner.
Ahh Conkers, the poor man's Disney World.
I wonder if the Sega Mega Drive has a Conkers game.
Well, if it doesn't you can just hit yourself with the controllers.
- Hey, what's that? - Where?
- Oh, Feck! - Oh, I see what you've done.
That's a very fancy car for Boyle.
Oh Yeah. Rich feckin golf clubbers.
More cash, mirror and mahogany up there than you can shake a silver stick at.
Rich you say?
Richer than B.A. Baracus' brandy butter.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
- Do you know how this works? - Not a clue.
- 29, 30... - Not the teeth.
What the hell are you doing?
We're taking turns sitting on each other to see who'll pass out first.
Is this how you want to spend your sunny Saturdays?
Sitting on each other? Why aren't you outside...
...playing hide and seek or something?
Hide and seek? I'm 16 Dad.
- I'll get it. - 33, 34...
Debra O'Connor.
Hi Kevin.
Oh, I said O'Connor didn't I, which isn't right is it?
- That's your maiden name, isn't it? - That's right Kevin.
Mmm, but that's how I know you best.
Is Liam in? Seems the old mortgage check bounced again.
- Really? That's funny. - Not funny Ha ha though, is it?
No. And, I think Liam said he is going out on a job I'm afraid.
That's odd. His old battered car is here.
Maybe I should come in and have a little nosey around.
No, that's fine. Sure I'll...I'll double check.
- 45, 46... - 45, 46...
Liam!
- Don't think I can take another body, Debs. - The bank manager's outside.
Jezus!
- Ok, don't panic. - It's the fourth time this year.
You see? This would've been a brilliant time to know a good hiding place.
Do you know what we're starting to call you down at the branch Liam?
- Mr. Moone? - The rubber bandit. Do you know why?
- Because my checks... - We're calling you the rubber bandit...
...because your checks keep bouncing Liam.
Right, I'll I'll have it in to you tomorrow, Wednesday by the latest.
The very latest, Liam.
Marvelous. Alright.
Tell Miss O'Connor I said, farewell.
Yeah, I'll pass that on to Mrs. Moone. Mrs. Liam Moone.
Oh, look at 'em Martin.
With the toffee ears, and the big silver spoons in their noses.
I can smell the fake fancy faux leather a mile off.
That's money stink.
Oh, look at this fella.
I bet it was pheasant for breakfast, and peasants for dinner with that flute.
He probably had a light lunch as well.
Here you go. OK.
You're Michael J. Fox in the Secret of My Success.
Can I help you?
Good day young man. I'm here for the employment.
What was... Have you seen the film?
So, what previous employment have you had Mr. Jetson?
Paint stirring, dish drying...
- Architect. - Architect. Right.
- Architect. - So what do you see yourself doing...
...here?
- Bunker boy? - Yeah.
Golf stick maker?
- Brolly dolly? - Brolly dolly.
Tell you what, you go get some lost balls we...
...give you a few quid for them. Huh, how bout that, huh?
Yep.
We have ourselves a deal, Sir.
Just sit down. Just sit down.
Martin soon discovered the life of the working man...
...was far easier than he could ever have imagined.
Turns out that golf courses are a virtual magnet for golf balls.
I just know there's a golf ball here somewhere.
Yeah, keep diggin buddy. Follow your ball nose.
Hey, Padraic?
What are you doing here? I thought Golf was really expensive.
Oh, it is. But I have a specialty.
- Oh, and what's that? - I just don't tell them I'm here.
Four! Wait, back to the woods.
- Where'd you get the cash Martin? - Oh, I'm a working man now Dad.
Work? What kind of work?
Ball hunting, ball gathering, I'm a golf ball ball boy.
Golf? Sure, that's not a real sport.
Ah, here we go. Another bloody hand ball tournament.
It's the one true test of a man.
Do you keep that in your pocket?
Handball? But I thought that was just a foul.
Not a hand ball.
Handball.
What is this? Are we playing it now?
No. You play it in a concrete court. Like a Thunderdome.
- Or a squash court. - Yeah, it's like squash...
...except without those pansy racquets.
It's kinda like a, a bare knuckle squash.
So, like squash for travelers?
Exactly! And I was the king of them all.
The year was 1967.
Twas the summer of sex, drugs, rock and roll...
...and handball.
- But then a terrible... - They're gone Love, they're gone.
I've warned you not to close your eyes when you're telling your stories.
Yeah.
Finally, our fun vegetable of the week is...
Oh God.
Cabbage again?
- Have we done cabbage? - Yes.
Well, It is a good one. There is cabbage salad, cabbage risotto.
Have fun with it. See what you come up with.
- Right. Same time next week yeah? - Wait, hang on a sec.
Actually, I've decided to increase the intensity...
...of the Weight Wishers schedule.
So there's going to be another class on Wednesdays and Fridays.
- Oh that's so kind of you Debra. - Um, No. The classes aren't free.
Thrice in a week? Isn't that a bit excessive, Debra?
Well, so is your waist line Gerry.
She works hard for the money
so you better treat her right.
Ball!
Tweet, tweet, tweet.
Huzzah! Peasants for dinner!
Ahh, right in the feathers.
Martin! God, I'm sorry about that.
Misjudged the yardage.
Are you alright?
No, I'm Martin Moone. I haven't seen alright.
Uh, was I just hit by lightning?
Dumb caddy gave me the wrong club.
That's it! You and me are done professionally. Get out of here!
- Ah Dad, please! -No Fiacra, you're fired!
Listen ehh, lets say we keep this to ourselves, Yeah?
Here's a few pounds.
- Have a rest and buy you some sweets. - No time for rest.
I'm a working man.
Are you? It's work you want is it.
Well I know of a caddy's position that's just opened up. If you're interested?
I was born to be interested!
Well I'm glad that's settled then.
Are you alright there young stripling? You took quite the clatter on the cranium.
Yeah I'm alright Sean.
Splendid. To the tee.
Ahh, It's the rubber bandit. Here to collect my new employee Liam?
Great work today Marty.
Good to see one of the Moones is making some money, eh Liam?
A nice few shillings.
Martin, come here. Your tea is ready.
Come 'ere.
Would you fancy a game yourself some time Liam?
- Heh, of Golf? - Sorry.
Do you not know how to play?
I suppose it is a bit more complicated than handball.
Golf is barely even a sport.
I could play it in my sleep.
I'd be dressed the right way too. In my pajamas
Very good. Shall we say Wednesday?
We shall.
- Wednesday. - Wednesday.
- Wednesday morning. - Wednesday morning.
Can't do Wednesday morning, Wednesday afternoon.
- This Wednesday afternoon? - Wednesday a week.
- This Wednesday a week? - Wednesday the 16th.
- In the afternoon? - Yes Sir.
That Kevin's a lovely man isn't he?
Lovely? Are you joking?
I'll tell you a little story about Kevin "The Leech" Leech.
The year was 1967.
Twas the summer of sex, drugs, rock 'n' roll and handball.
I was the finest player in all of Boyle.
Leech was the second finest.
We were rivals.
In more ways than one.
YEAH!
That's some fine handball'n lads!
Debra soon fell for my handy charms.
And when Leech saw us together he flew into a jealous rage.
I challenge you to a duel! A handball duel!
Duel excepted.
Handball duel! Handball duel!
HANDBALL DUEL RULES:
RULE ONE: THROW BALL AT OTHER PERSON
RULE TWO: ACTUALLY... THAT'S IT
- Strike. - Bulls Eye.
Your throw, Mr. Leech.
But little did we know Leech had swapped the ball...
...for a ball shaped rock...
...that he'd spent three months carving from solid granite.
Why didn't I find a smaller rock?
Liam!
I broke my hand in nine places, and three of my nails.
- You're banned from handball! - Fine. I'm gonna take up golf.
And that was the end of my handball career.
So now, do you still think he's lovely?
WALKED HOME!
Bloody eyes! Open them!
- How are ya Gerry? - Liam-meister!
- The Mooneatic. Come 'ere twee - How are you?
Great. My god you smell good.
Wish I could say the same Ger.
Yeah, it's an awful stench isn't it? The old cabbage carbonara is repeatin' on me.
So listen, I was wondering if I could borrow your golf clubs?
I have a bit of a match coming up and I can't really afford a set right now.
Yeah, well...
You know Liam, that I'd give 'em to you in a heartbeat but...
...my son's melted them down.
Melted them down?
To punish me. I changed the channel while they were watching Airwolf.
Hold on a second now.
They did tell me to go and play with these old kiddies clubs.
"Go on away and play with these feckin kiddies clubs you big fat baby." They said to me.
You know sometimes I think they don't respect me Li.
You know what Gerry?
They're only kiddie clubs, when they're in kiddie hands.
Or they're a standard kiddie size, Liam.
Wednesday Week the 16th in the afternoon
Let's see if the rubber bandit snaps under pressure.
This bandit is going to rub you out.
May Golf be with you.
Forgot about that old handball injury.
Driver please Martin.
Wipe her face old chap.
Thar she blows! Storming the greens like Normandy!
Seriously? That's your club?
Oh how the mighty handballer has fallen.
You call that a driver? Looks more like a drunk driver.
I don't even need clubs.
I could beat you by just throwing this stupid little ball around.
- Oh I would love to see that. - Good. Cause your going to see it.
Well I believe it's still your shot.
That's not great Linda. You've only lost a 3rd of a pound.
What? You only weighed me an hour ago.
- It was longer than that. - Hang on, no it wasn't.
I feel like I just got off the scales before you have me back on it again.
Is this a Weight Wishers class or a feckin step aerobics class?
She's right. It's ridiculous.
There's no time to argue. Your next class starts in five minutes.
Ah, Deb.
This cult is becoming very expensive.
This is not a cult, this is a Weight Wishers class.
This is not a cult, it's a Weight Wishers class.
Better.
Good man Liam!
- You a member here? - I'm his caddy.
I'll take that for you Liam.
Thank you Padraic.
Always glad to help.
Glove.
What do you think, Martin?
You've got 120 to the hole, but there's a squally wind a-blowin' west...
...so I'd take a pitching wedge and hit it with a lion's heart.
What do you think Padraic?
Just throw it.
Yeah.
Yes!
Good man.
You're two shots behind, Leech. I'd be pretty embarrassed if I were you.
And not just because of those trousers.
- It isn't over yet, Liam. - Isn't it, Kevin?
- Go on Liam!
My hand!
Did you trip over this ball shaped rock Liam? How ironic.
Leech.
Actually, that is rather ironic.
What should we do?
Pint?
Yeah. Let's call Gerry and all go for a nice pint.
Feels like we're doing more and more classes...
...but I don't feel like we're losing any weight.
Well, maybe if we didn't finish every class with tea and cakes?
Come on lads, you like your cake.
The cake means she loves us.
Jezus, I had better really answer that hadn't I?
No one ever called me on it before.
Hello, Gerry Bonner.
What?
His hand? Liam is hurt.
No, no, no, you read my mind. Yeah. Get me Guinness.
- How's he doing? - Not well.
If Leech makes this shot, it's all over.
Gwen! This is still class.
Ah!, Miss O'Connor.
Nice of you to pop down to witness my triumph.
Club please, Martin.
No Martin, don't be a brolly dolly. Be a daddy caddy.
This'n will bring it home safely, son.
Martin, that is not the club I selected.
Why are you not following our protocol?
Oh. He's overhit that one, the big eedjit.
That was no accident.
That's it! You and me are done professionally!
We're gonna win this.
- He has to make this in one. - Come on, Dad!
You're not going to lose, are you?
I thought I married the finest handballer in all of Boyle.
That's it! Shift my mother.
Jezus.
It's up to you now hand.
Loser!
- I think this is our chance. Let's escape. - Where?
Follow me, Chubby Club!
43, 44, 45, 46.
I think he's actually passed out.
Does that mean he's won?
Why didn't you put money on it?
Because it's not about money, Deb.
You could've bet the mortgage payment or something.
No, You just don't get it. It's about pride!
I beat him. I beat The Leech. I'm better than him.
Liam, you still owe us that mortgage payment!
Oh Jezus!
Right. Hide! Everyone hide, hide quickly!
The curtains!
You alright there buddy?
Yeah Sean. I think so.
Have you got enough money for that computer thing yet?
What are computers?
Oh Balls.
Liam, I think he can see us.
Yeah, I know.
That is the single greatest thing my little eyes have ever witnessed.
Transcribed and synced by Cosa